Executive Marriage Coach – Marriage and the Purpose of Life

December 19, 2009 by  
Filed under marriage/relationships

“As I thought more about the possibility that life served the purpose of learning to love, I found myself asking the question: When we got to the end of our physical life, how would we know whether or not we had learned to love?” Why Love Heals, Dean Shrock.

How would you answer that question?  One way is to look into your marriage.  Marriage challenges you to love and accept your partner even if that is not always so easy.  In fact marriage is the perfect place to learn to love in a bigger, grander way.  It really is possible to create the marriage you long for if you begin thinking, acting, and loving in ways that foster growth and connection between you.

I know you may not always feel like acting in loving ways, and in fact may feel impossible right now.  I recently discovered a secret to marriage dynamics: The quality of your relationship depends on the interplay of two specific forces.  These forces are 1) the degree of optimism and connection you feel in your marriage, and 2) the level of maturity each partner brings to the relationship.  Every problem a couple experiences is the result of these two forces, and achieving your dream marriage is also dependent on the same two forces.

I’m very excited about a new model I am building around these concepts and I will be sharing much more in the near future.  For now, focus on enjoying one another over the holidays.  Ask yourself; what are one or two things I can do to feel more connected to my partner right now?  Practice those things with no expectations or demands and see what happens.

May you bask in the peace and love of this holiday season and one another.

Executive Marriage Coach – Why Does My Husband Act Like Such an Idiot?

December 12, 2009 by  
Filed under marriage/relationships

Why does my husband act like such an idiot? This is a version of a question I get from frustrated spouses from time to time.  Acting like an idiot can take any number of forms, such as getting into online sex chats, drinking too much, or failing to show up for your child’s recital as promised.

Reasons for such behavior vary from person to person, of course, but they are not really due to being an idiot.  Most likely the behaviors are motivated by some unresolved pain or fear, and are unconscious attempts to avoid feeling these unpleasant feelings.  For example, he may be working too much in order to quiet his fear of failing, or to avoid facing the pain of a lack of intimacy in your marriage.

As a spouse your natural reaction is to feel hurt and want to punish your partner in one way or another.  This of course only makes the situation worse by reinforcing the fear of negative feelings. When you understand your spouse’s behavior in a new way you can help create the conditions needed to resolve the pain or fear.  These conditions are accountability and a loving space.

Both are necessary.  Accountability will only be effective in the context of a loving space.  A loving space without accountability implies permission or approval for the behavior to continue.  The loving space is created by a consistent attitude of love and acceptance and a willingness to help your partner face the unpleasant feelings.  Accountability comes from speaking the truth about the impact of the offensive behavior and defining expectations. Over time, the combination of love and accountability  allows a person to give up the destructive behaviors.

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” In those moments when we meet a challenge that stands in our way, we are not meeting some immovable object.  In reality, we are meeting nothing more than our own present understanding of that event. Wherever we are – whatever we encounter – we meet there our own understanding. … The self that sees limitation … is the limitation it sees; this is why it can’t see past that point!”

Guy Finley, The Essenial Laws of Fearless Living.