You see, Bill thought he had found the love of his life in Susan and they were very happy together for a year or more.  Then Susan’s father had a health crisis and she got caught up in that and spent much more time with her family and also started complaining about what her family was and was not doing.  Bill started to feel shut out and their relationship now felt strained and tiresome.  Bill didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling or how to talk about it so he felt it was best to end his relationship with Susan.

Each time Bill started dating a new woman he encountered the same anxiety and would end the relationship before it got going.  As I coached him to understand his feelings and how to get honest with himself and others he got better at facing his anxiety and explaining his struggle.  Yet the pattern continued and he couldn’t get past feeling like he had unfinished business with Susan.  Finally he decided he needed to contact her and explain why he left and get closure.

Contacting Susan after almost 2 years stirred his anxiety but he was determined to face his fear and just do what he needed to do.  He was surprised to learn that when he contacted Susan she met him with openness and kindness.  She told him she always believed he would call.  When they got together to talk they both cried as he told her what he was feeling and why he left.  It didn’t take long for them to realize they still loved each other, and what he thought would bring closure actually sparked a new beginning.

Is this a healthy, love of my life relationship?  That remains to be seen but what is clear is that Bill has grown in emotional maturity and integrity.  He has learned that he will no longer run away when things get uncomfortable and will face his fear with honesty and courage.  I suspect Susan has grown through the pain as well.  Even if they decide not to be together going forward they will not feel they left unfinished business on the table.   I’m betting they have rediscovered what they have known all along, that they belong together.  Never run from the truth within yourself!

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“When we spend time with his family he doesn’t pay any attention to me.  When I try to talk to him he seems to look right through me”.  The wife of this couple was frustrated, confused and feeling neglected in these family situations.  This tapped into a theme for her of not feeling significant in her marriage and it made her angry.  We had talked about this previously and her husband had been working on showing his love to her and making progress.  This time, however, something was different.

As we started to probe this concern together the husband was becoming visibly upset and when I asked about his emotions the tears started flowing down his cheeks.  He started explaining his pain and fear that his family is falling apart and he was in danger of losing everything.  We discovered there were two things attached to these feelings.  One was his brother’s death about a year ago for which he is still grieving but doesn’t really talk about.  The other was a deeper insecurity that took him back to his childhood.  His parent’s marriage had been rocky and he remembers the fear of losing his family and having nowhere to live.  Even now he sees his father drinking too much and his mother threatening to leave him and it brings him back to feeling like that 9 or 10 year old boy.  When these feelings get triggered he finds himself overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety and consequently unable to be emotionally present for his wife in those circumstances.

Listening to this conversation, his wife was amazed and filled with compassion.  Her anger was gone and she took his hand to comfort him.  Now we were able to talk about ways for them to recognize one another’s emotional needs, communicate that more effectively, and respond in more loving ways.  They left with new understanding of those family gatherings and new perspectives of each other.

How many times have you assumed your husband or wife was just being selfish or just didn’t care, only to find out later something else was going on?  It is easy to attribute reasons to someone’s behavior based on how you see it.  Sometimes simply asking questions with the intent to really understand the other’s experience can reveal surprising things such as hidden fear or pain.  I encourage you to put aside judgment and find the courage to open up and really listen and be present for your partner.  The truth can set you free to connect in more genuine ways.  Go talk to your spouse!

For more information on important relationship skills please take a look at my easy to access online program, www.reimaginemarriage.com

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Video inspiration!!

Here is another reminder of the power of seeing things in a new way.  Watch this short video about how a child taught his teacher what it really means to teach and change a life forever.  Warning, you may need Kleenex handy when you watch this:  http://www.flickspire.com/m/guidance/MakeADifference

A question emerged; “if I have decent and respectful relationships with other people in my life but not in my marriage, isn’t it fair to conclude that this is just a toxic relationship”?  That may be a fair conclusion in some cases, but there is a seductive illusion that the problem really is the other person.  It ignores the fact that marriage is a unique relationship that demands more from you than other relationships and it is not a fair comparison.  It also ignores the fact that what you blame your partner for is often just a reflection of something within yourself that you need to deal with.  You may choose to leave what feels like a toxic relationship but if you have not released the roots of bitterness you will carry that with you into the next one.

We began talking about a garden.  If you have an ugly weed in your garden you typically try to get rid of it by pulling it out.  If the soil is dry and hardened however, it will not release the root and the weed just keeps growing back.  You may try to poison the weed but if it is entwined with the plant you run the risk of killing the plant as well.  The only safe and effective way to get such a weed out is by soaking the soil with water until it is soft and loose enough for the soil to release the root.  If it is a deep root it takes a lot of water to penetrate deep enough.

When there are weeds of resentment and bitterness in a relationship the partners tend to see only the weeds in the other and focus on trying to pull them out or poison them.  You know the results of such behaviors.  So the question is, how does one prepare the soil in one’s relationship garden so the soil will be willing to release the roots of bitterness? The answer lies in three key choices.

1)    First you must look inward to see and acknowledge your own bitterness and resentments

2)    Make the choice to work your way towards willingness to release the roots of these weeds

3)    Water the soil of your relationship with kindness and loving behaviors aimed both at yourself and at your partner. If the soil has been hardened over time it will not respond by soaking in the water immediately.  It takes time to penetrate the hard crust of dry soil.  If the roots are deep, once the water penetrates the top soil you must keep it coming for it to reach down to the depths of the roots.  Consistent kindness and loving behavior over time will work its magic.

You can find more information on working through places you are stuck in your relationship at www.reimaginemarriage.com

Warm Regards,

Tom

“For a very long time, intimate relationship was viewed and lived, with few exceptions, as an alternative — and not necessarily an equivalent alternative! — to spiritual life. There was the householder, and there was the spiritual seeker, and there wasn’t much overlap between them. As wide as this split was for men, it was even wider for women. Intimate relationship was something you did — or endured — until there was cultural permission to do something “deeper.”

Now there not only is a significant amount of cultural permission — small by conventional standards yet substantial enough to register on societal radar screens — for something “deeper” to happen within intimate relationship, but also an increasing pull toward it. So intimate relationship has, at its leading edge, become less a prelude to spiritual opening and awakening, and more a catalyst or crucible for it….

Awakened monogamy may sound wonderful, but how do we get there? After all, we can’t just read about it and then go live it. Much has to be done before this stage of monogamy is significantly available to us. For starters, we need to expose, face, and directly work — and not just cognitively! — with whatever is immature in us. We can’t, for example, remain emotionally illiterate or morally stunted if we want to be in a truly intimate relationship.

The passage from me-centered to we-centered to being-centered monogamy is not just a journey of ripening intimacy with a beloved other, but also a journey into and through zones of ourselves that may be very difficult to navigate, let alone get intimate with and integrate with the rest of our being”.
Challenging perhaps, but this represents a whole new world of meaning for your marriage as well as your own growth and awakening as a person. On August 24th life coach Mary Allen will be interviewing Robert and Diane Masters. Check it out: http://www.lifecoachmary.com/robertanddianemasters.htm

This may all seem obvious to you but there may be more going on here.  For example, Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook, talked in a recent interview about the fact that women are still significantly under-represented in top-levels of leadership.  Sandberg suggested that one of the key factors is inequality of responsibilities at home.  She further suggested that women play a role in this by holding onto and insisting on playing traditional feminine roles, and that we as a society have little sympathy for men who are stay-at-home dads.  So there are deeply ingrained attitudes that make it difficult for men and women to find a happy balance in the home, and consequently harmony between work and life demands.

If you are married and have a demanding career it is critical that you keep your marriage stable and happy. If you do, it will be your secure base where you can get supported and re-energized.  If your marriage is unhappy or has become short on intimacy and fulfillment, it will run you down over time.  We need to learn how to negotiate a balance of responsibilities from a place of love, honesty, and mutual respect.  This requires new perspectives on marriage and work priorities.

Survey feedback also indicated a strong preference for private coaching and for online home-study courses.  I am always interested in new clients as space allows so if you want to find out how I can help you achieve the balance and harmony you desire just let me know.  I am also working on an exciting online course that will incorporate the latest research and strategies for successful marriages.  Stay tuned.

1. Four Keys to More Love and Fun in Marriage. April 14 @ 2pm ET. Dial 218-862-7200, 149906

2. Rescue Your Marriage – 4 Things You Need to Know Now. Apr 18 @ 8pm ET/5pm PT. http://ow.ly/4uigW

If you are longing for more joy and intimacy in your marriage you are not alone. Millions of people feel exactly the same way. That is why I put together this series of videos, and because you are a loyal subscriber I wanted to you have them as my gift.

Begin your video series now! www.reimaginemarriage.com

Because of the level of intimacy and intensity that comes with marriage, it is the relationship that brings out the best and the worst in us. Sometimes it seems just too hard and confusing.

The real problem is FEAR. We fear we are inadequate, we are going to be abandoned, we are going to lose ourselves, we don’t have enough, we will not get our needs met, and on and on. Fear shows up in relationships as criticism, crabbiness, control, withdrawal, self-sacrifice, infidelity, blame, shame, etc.

It doesn’t have to be like this! Fear is 100% curable. When you understand and apply the principles and rules of happy and healthy marriages you can find the deep satisfaction you desire.

Are you ready for change?

I’ve created this educational video series to give you the tools and resources you need to THRIVE in your marriage. These are four FREE and very brief videos that will be sent to you every couple of days so please watch for them.

In video #1 you will learn how you can change your marriage even if you are the only one working on it. This will definitely lift your spirits.

Start videos here: www.reimaginemarriage.com

I look forward to serving you. And please be sure to leave your comments!

Warmly,
Tom King
The Executive Marriage Coach

p.s. Feel free to share this video series with your friends

1. We’ve had to grow-up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it is these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, then our relationship has also grown.
2. We’ve had to change with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.
3. Things go in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.
4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.
5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage are shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.
6. It’s sometimes hard to speak the truth.Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same as it is for me. What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.
8. The best gift is your presence. The primary question in every intimate relationship is “are you really there for me”. Being present, paying attention and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here”. One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.
9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.
10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.