I confess that I haven’t actually read this book and can’t pass judgment, but clearly this book has tapped into a social trend related to women looking for ways spice up their fantasy life and/or sex life.  As a marriage coach I can’t help but wonder if this is a symptom of people feeling a lack of passion and romance in their own marriage, even perhaps boredom, along with a deep desire for something more.

Many times people are not in touch with what they really feel or desire and even if they are they are afraid to express it.  Real relationships seem to take too much work.  Here’s how one of my clients described it:

I always thought I was basically passionless.  What I have discovered is that is not true.  I convinced myself I didn’t really feel passionate about anything because I was uncomfortable expressing my opinions and my desires out of fear of people’s reactions – being judged, rejected, or shamed.  I learned to repress myself and became disconnected from my own thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions.

As I’m learning to discover what is important to me, what I really think, feel, and want, I am realizing I do have passion.  As I am learning to give voice to myself I am energized.  People around me are finding me more interesting and I am finding myself more interesting.  It is a rush to speak the truth and not hide.

Do you dare express your real passion, in the bedroom and in your life in general?  Sometimes we want to suppress what we really want because it is safer than being vulnerable in a real relationship.  If reading Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever gives you ideas and sparks some romance in your marriage that’s great but be careful not to use it just to distract yourself from what you need to confront and nurture in your life and your relationship.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments on this!

Warm regards,

Tom

You see, Bill thought he had found the love of his life in Susan and they were very happy together for a year or more.  Then Susan’s father had a health crisis and she got caught up in that and spent much more time with her family and also started complaining about what her family was and was not doing.  Bill started to feel shut out and their relationship now felt strained and tiresome.  Bill didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling or how to talk about it so he felt it was best to end his relationship with Susan.

Each time Bill started dating a new woman he encountered the same anxiety and would end the relationship before it got going.  As I coached him to understand his feelings and how to get honest with himself and others he got better at facing his anxiety and explaining his struggle.  Yet the pattern continued and he couldn’t get past feeling like he had unfinished business with Susan.  Finally he decided he needed to contact her and explain why he left and get closure.

Contacting Susan after almost 2 years stirred his anxiety but he was determined to face his fear and just do what he needed to do.  He was surprised to learn that when he contacted Susan she met him with openness and kindness.  She told him she always believed he would call.  When they got together to talk they both cried as he told her what he was feeling and why he left.  It didn’t take long for them to realize they still loved each other, and what he thought would bring closure actually sparked a new beginning.

Is this a healthy, love of my life relationship?  That remains to be seen but what is clear is that Bill has grown in emotional maturity and integrity.  He has learned that he will no longer run away when things get uncomfortable and will face his fear with honesty and courage.  I suspect Susan has grown through the pain as well.  Even if they decide not to be together going forward they will not feel they left unfinished business on the table.   I’m betting they have rediscovered what they have known all along, that they belong together.  Never run from the truth within yourself!

“When we spend time with his family he doesn’t pay any attention to me.  When I try to talk to him he seems to look right through me”.  The wife of this couple was frustrated, confused and feeling neglected in these family situations.  This tapped into a theme for her of not feeling significant in her marriage and it made her angry.  We had talked about this previously and her husband had been working on showing his love to her and making progress.  This time, however, something was different.

As we started to probe this concern together the husband was becoming visibly upset and when I asked about his emotions the tears started flowing down his cheeks.  He started explaining his pain and fear that his family is falling apart and he was in danger of losing everything.  We discovered there were two things attached to these feelings.  One was his brother’s death about a year ago for which he is still grieving but doesn’t really talk about.  The other was a deeper insecurity that took him back to his childhood.  His parent’s marriage had been rocky and he remembers the fear of losing his family and having nowhere to live.  Even now he sees his father drinking too much and his mother threatening to leave him and it brings him back to feeling like that 9 or 10 year old boy.  When these feelings get triggered he finds himself overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety and consequently unable to be emotionally present for his wife in those circumstances.

Listening to this conversation, his wife was amazed and filled with compassion.  Her anger was gone and she took his hand to comfort him.  Now we were able to talk about ways for them to recognize one another’s emotional needs, communicate that more effectively, and respond in more loving ways.  They left with new understanding of those family gatherings and new perspectives of each other.

How many times have you assumed your husband or wife was just being selfish or just didn’t care, only to find out later something else was going on?  It is easy to attribute reasons to someone’s behavior based on how you see it.  Sometimes simply asking questions with the intent to really understand the other’s experience can reveal surprising things such as hidden fear or pain.  I encourage you to put aside judgment and find the courage to open up and really listen and be present for your partner.  The truth can set you free to connect in more genuine ways.  Go talk to your spouse!

For more information on important relationship skills please take a look at my easy to access online program, www.reimaginemarriage.com

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Video inspiration!!

Here is another reminder of the power of seeing things in a new way.  Watch this short video about how a child taught his teacher what it really means to teach and change a life forever.  Warning, you may need Kleenex handy when you watch this:  http://www.flickspire.com/m/guidance/MakeADifference

A question emerged; “if I have decent and respectful relationships with other people in my life but not in my marriage, isn’t it fair to conclude that this is just a toxic relationship”?  That may be a fair conclusion in some cases, but there is a seductive illusion that the problem really is the other person.  It ignores the fact that marriage is a unique relationship that demands more from you than other relationships and it is not a fair comparison.  It also ignores the fact that what you blame your partner for is often just a reflection of something within yourself that you need to deal with.  You may choose to leave what feels like a toxic relationship but if you have not released the roots of bitterness you will carry that with you into the next one.

We began talking about a garden.  If you have an ugly weed in your garden you typically try to get rid of it by pulling it out.  If the soil is dry and hardened however, it will not release the root and the weed just keeps growing back.  You may try to poison the weed but if it is entwined with the plant you run the risk of killing the plant as well.  The only safe and effective way to get such a weed out is by soaking the soil with water until it is soft and loose enough for the soil to release the root.  If it is a deep root it takes a lot of water to penetrate deep enough.

When there are weeds of resentment and bitterness in a relationship the partners tend to see only the weeds in the other and focus on trying to pull them out or poison them.  You know the results of such behaviors.  So the question is, how does one prepare the soil in one’s relationship garden so the soil will be willing to release the roots of bitterness? The answer lies in three key choices.

1)    First you must look inward to see and acknowledge your own bitterness and resentments

2)    Make the choice to work your way towards willingness to release the roots of these weeds

3)    Water the soil of your relationship with kindness and loving behaviors aimed both at yourself and at your partner. If the soil has been hardened over time it will not respond by soaking in the water immediately.  It takes time to penetrate the hard crust of dry soil.  If the roots are deep, once the water penetrates the top soil you must keep it coming for it to reach down to the depths of the roots.  Consistent kindness and loving behavior over time will work its magic.

You can find more information on working through places you are stuck in your relationship at www.reimaginemarriage.com

Warm Regards,

Tom

“For a very long time, intimate relationship was viewed and lived, with few exceptions, as an alternative — and not necessarily an equivalent alternative! — to spiritual life. There was the householder, and there was the spiritual seeker, and there wasn’t much overlap between them. As wide as this split was for men, it was even wider for women. Intimate relationship was something you did — or endured — until there was cultural permission to do something “deeper.”

Now there not only is a significant amount of cultural permission — small by conventional standards yet substantial enough to register on societal radar screens — for something “deeper” to happen within intimate relationship, but also an increasing pull toward it. So intimate relationship has, at its leading edge, become less a prelude to spiritual opening and awakening, and more a catalyst or crucible for it….

Awakened monogamy may sound wonderful, but how do we get there? After all, we can’t just read about it and then go live it. Much has to be done before this stage of monogamy is significantly available to us. For starters, we need to expose, face, and directly work — and not just cognitively! — with whatever is immature in us. We can’t, for example, remain emotionally illiterate or morally stunted if we want to be in a truly intimate relationship.

The passage from me-centered to we-centered to being-centered monogamy is not just a journey of ripening intimacy with a beloved other, but also a journey into and through zones of ourselves that may be very difficult to navigate, let alone get intimate with and integrate with the rest of our being”.
Challenging perhaps, but this represents a whole new world of meaning for your marriage as well as your own growth and awakening as a person. On August 24th life coach Mary Allen will be interviewing Robert and Diane Masters. Check it out: http://www.lifecoachmary.com/robertanddianemasters.htm