“For a very long time, intimate relationship was viewed and lived, with few exceptions, as an alternative — and not necessarily an equivalent alternative! — to spiritual life. There was the householder, and there was the spiritual seeker, and there wasn’t much overlap between them. As wide as this split was for men, it was even wider for women. Intimate relationship was something you did — or endured — until there was cultural permission to do something “deeper.”

Now there not only is a significant amount of cultural permission — small by conventional standards yet substantial enough to register on societal radar screens — for something “deeper” to happen within intimate relationship, but also an increasing pull toward it. So intimate relationship has, at its leading edge, become less a prelude to spiritual opening and awakening, and more a catalyst or crucible for it….

Awakened monogamy may sound wonderful, but how do we get there? After all, we can’t just read about it and then go live it. Much has to be done before this stage of monogamy is significantly available to us. For starters, we need to expose, face, and directly work — and not just cognitively! — with whatever is immature in us. We can’t, for example, remain emotionally illiterate or morally stunted if we want to be in a truly intimate relationship.

The passage from me-centered to we-centered to being-centered monogamy is not just a journey of ripening intimacy with a beloved other, but also a journey into and through zones of ourselves that may be very difficult to navigate, let alone get intimate with and integrate with the rest of our being”.
Challenging perhaps, but this represents a whole new world of meaning for your marriage as well as your own growth and awakening as a person. On August 24th life coach Mary Allen will be interviewing Robert and Diane Masters. Check it out: http://www.lifecoachmary.com/robertanddianemasters.htm

This may all seem obvious to you but there may be more going on here.  For example, Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook, talked in a recent interview about the fact that women are still significantly under-represented in top-levels of leadership.  Sandberg suggested that one of the key factors is inequality of responsibilities at home.  She further suggested that women play a role in this by holding onto and insisting on playing traditional feminine roles, and that we as a society have little sympathy for men who are stay-at-home dads.  So there are deeply ingrained attitudes that make it difficult for men and women to find a happy balance in the home, and consequently harmony between work and life demands.

If you are married and have a demanding career it is critical that you keep your marriage stable and happy. If you do, it will be your secure base where you can get supported and re-energized.  If your marriage is unhappy or has become short on intimacy and fulfillment, it will run you down over time.  We need to learn how to negotiate a balance of responsibilities from a place of love, honesty, and mutual respect.  This requires new perspectives on marriage and work priorities.

Survey feedback also indicated a strong preference for private coaching and for online home-study courses.  I am always interested in new clients as space allows so if you want to find out how I can help you achieve the balance and harmony you desire just let me know.  I am also working on an exciting online course that will incorporate the latest research and strategies for successful marriages.  Stay tuned.

1. Four Keys to More Love and Fun in Marriage. April 14 @ 2pm ET. Dial 218-862-7200, 149906

2. Rescue Your Marriage – 4 Things You Need to Know Now. Apr 18 @ 8pm ET/5pm PT. http://ow.ly/4uigW

If you are longing for more joy and intimacy in your marriage you are not alone. Millions of people feel exactly the same way. That is why I put together this series of videos, and because you are a loyal subscriber I wanted to you have them as my gift.

Begin your video series now! www.reimaginemarriage.com

Because of the level of intimacy and intensity that comes with marriage, it is the relationship that brings out the best and the worst in us. Sometimes it seems just too hard and confusing.

The real problem is FEAR. We fear we are inadequate, we are going to be abandoned, we are going to lose ourselves, we don’t have enough, we will not get our needs met, and on and on. Fear shows up in relationships as criticism, crabbiness, control, withdrawal, self-sacrifice, infidelity, blame, shame, etc.

It doesn’t have to be like this! Fear is 100% curable. When you understand and apply the principles and rules of happy and healthy marriages you can find the deep satisfaction you desire.

Are you ready for change?

I’ve created this educational video series to give you the tools and resources you need to THRIVE in your marriage. These are four FREE and very brief videos that will be sent to you every couple of days so please watch for them.

In video #1 you will learn how you can change your marriage even if you are the only one working on it. This will definitely lift your spirits.

Start videos here: www.reimaginemarriage.com

I look forward to serving you. And please be sure to leave your comments!

Warmly,
Tom King
The Executive Marriage Coach

p.s. Feel free to share this video series with your friends

1. We’ve had to grow-up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it is these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, then our relationship has also grown.
2. We’ve had to change with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.
3. Things go in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.
4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.
5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage are shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.
6. It’s sometimes hard to speak the truth.Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same as it is for me. What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.
8. The best gift is your presence. The primary question in every intimate relationship is “are you really there for me”. Being present, paying attention and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here”. One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.
9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.
10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.

The simple answer is really bad communication. In reality, things are never quite so simple. The problems in this relationship stem from multiple issues, including how they have dealt with past experiences, differences in how they think, how they are motivated, and how they deal with emotions. They also have not learned how to understand and meet one another’s basic needs.

I remember feeling lost and confused in my marriage at different points in time. It is not easy to work through tough times. However, the rewards of pushing through and hanging in there can be great. For example, my wife and I recently had a great visit with our daughter and her husband and our wonderful granddaughter. Seeing the next generation living healthy and happy lives is sweet indeed. These are the good times.

For the young couple in my office there is hope. They have finally started to confront their problems and really talk to each other. Even though telling the truth hurts, it is a necessary part of recovery. If you are in a hard place in your marriage right now please don’t give up before you do everything you can to work it out. Imagine yourself happily married for 40 years and reaping the rewards of enduring love. Hold unto that thought and make it happen.

Here are a few tips:
1. Decide to be happy and make marriage your priority
2. Share your honest thoughts and feelings with your partner. Not “you make my life miserable”, but “this is what is going on with me right now”.
3. Find out what is most important to your partner today. If you listen to the feedback openly you will hear the themes. What is the underlying need, fear, or pain that is being communicated?
4. Once you know what is most important, sincerely try to respect and meet the need or concern with love as consistently as possible.

Give not in order to receive but to become capable of giving more. Love generates love.

p.s. I have been working hard on ways to help you “re-imagine marriage”. Stay tuned.

When you walked the path of despair you did so not knowing why you felt so bad and you felt completely alone.  You felt no one understood or could possibly know what you were going through.  The roots of your despair were yet unconscious.  You feared being swallowed up by the grief and the darkness.

The road to recovery is a different road.  On this road you must face your fears and also walk into your darkness.  However, this is a path that promises hope, not despair, healing, not death. On this road you intentionally and consciously allow yourself to feel what you feel, to remember and to mourn.  But you don’t walk this road alone.  You will have helpers who walk beside you, hold your hand, or shine a light on the path.  You find new ways of knowing yourself and become intimate with your history and emotional memories.  As you venture in with open mind and open heart you discover that Divine Love is there, waiting for your invitation, leading you back to your core and your source.

So do not be afraid.  Venture forth, ask for help and guidance, and trust that there is light waiting to be found.  The road may be rough and scary at first but you will not regret taking this road less traveled.  Live your life!