Top 10 things I have learned in 35 years of marriage

This month my wife and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. As I reflected on this I decided to share my list of the top ten things I have learned in 35 years, in no particular order.

1. We’ve had to grow-up together. We all bring our unfinished business with us into marriage and it is these developmental issues that create the most problems. In our case we got married young and that makes it even more obvious and important to grow up. When we have been honest with ourselves and worked on our own maturity, then our relationship has also grown.
2. We’ve had to change with life stages. Related to growing up is recognizing the need to adapt to different life stages. Each stage of life brings particular gifts and challenges to marriage. Being aware of this and making adjustments has been critical. Now as empty nesters we are rediscovering certain freedoms while also dealing with getting older. It never stops.
3. Things go in cycles. Marriage is like a rose bush. It contains both beautiful flowers and thorns. Sometimes the flowers bloom and it is fragrant and wonderful. Sometimes the blooms fall off and all you see is the thorns. If you nurture the plant and keep it healthy you can count on the blooms returning. Learn to accept it all with patience.
4. Trust follows behavior. Most people agree that trust is critical to a healthy relationship. The only way to earn or re-establish trust is through consistent loving and honorable behavior. Words become meaningless if not supported by your behavior.
5. Values hold us together. My wife and I are different in personalities, motivations, and interests. What has been a foundation for our marriage are shared values and priorities. It is vital to keep values in mind and talk about what is important to both of you at each stage of life.
6. It’s sometimes hard to speak the truth.Telling your partner the truth can be difficult, especially if you haven’t learned to be honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings and desires. We may be afraid of our partner’s reactions or of exposing something we prefer to hide. The trick is speaking the truth in a spirit of love and owning responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.
7. Know and accept your partner. We all view life through our own perspective and assume it is the best or only way. Things that make my wife feel loved and cared about are not always the same as it is for me. What I am sensitive to is also different than what she is. How she likes to do certain things is different than my way. I have wasted too much energy trying to change rather than accept her, and this only makes the patterns of reactions stronger. People do not need to be fixed, only loved and affirmed.
8. The best gift is your presence. The primary question in every intimate relationship is “are you really there for me”. Being present, paying attention and enjoying time together sends the message that “you are most important to me and you can count on me to be here”. One ritual my wife and I have enjoyed over the years is taking a weekend away, just the two of us, at least a couple times per year. It’s a great way to re-connect.
9. Love stretches us. This is one of the purposes of marriage. Your partner will demand from you that which you are not yet capable of giving. For example, “I demand that you love me in spite of …” That something is usually in the area in which you are most vulnerable, such as anger, sex, security, or need for affirmation. This is generally not a conscious process but it helps to be aware of it and cooperate with it.
10. My spouse is usually right about me. This is one I hate to admit but it’s true. Even if it is feedback I don’t want to hear or I think it is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust.

Executive Marriage Coach – Perfect Valentines Day Gift

Executive Marriage Coach – The Road of Recovery

The road of recovery is not the same as the path of despair. Many, perhaps most people fear allowing themselves to feel their darker feelings because they remember times of being overwhelmed viagra crushed by them.  Consequently most of us find creative, elaborate, or self-destructive ways to avoid being in touch with our painful memories and feelings.

When you walked the path of despair you did so not knowing why you felt so bad and you felt completely alone.  You felt no one understood or could possibly know what you were going through.  The roots of your despair were yet unconscious.  You feared being swallowed up by the grief and the darkness.

The road to recovery is a different road.  On this road you must face your fears and also walk into your darkness.  However, this is a path that promises hope, not despair, healing, not death. On this road you intentionally and consciously allow yourself to feel what you feel, to remember and to mourn.  But you don’t walk this road alone.  You will have helpers who walk beside you, hold your hand, or shine a light on the path.  You find new ways of knowing yourself and become intimate with your history and emotional memories.  As you venture in with open mind and open heart you discover that Divine Love is there, waiting for your invitation, leading you back to your core and your source.

So do not be afraid.  Venture forth, ask for help and guidance, and trust that there is light waiting to be found.  The road may be rough and scary at first but you will not regret taking this road less traveled.  Live your life!

Executive Marriage Coach – Love Tips for the Holidays

Love Tips for the Holidays

Do you find yourself emotionally confused this time of year?  You want to be closer to people you love, you want to experience peace and joy and yet it seems so stressful and hard.  You think about those you miss and grieve for and those who have let you down.  You may look forward to family gatherings and yet feel anxiety about them.  You want to slow down but there is so much to do.

I want to offer you a couple of ways to shift your perspective and take charge of your holiday experiences.

1.   Think like an anthropologist. This is especially helpful if you have to deal with family dysfunction or you end up feeling like a frustrated kid at family gatherings.  An anthropologist goes into a group or community and becomes a part of them and at the same time observes, studies, and learns about them.  He or she is present and connected but never loses objectivity.  For you it may work like this:
a.    Watch how people interact.  See the familiar roles people take on.  Look for the patterns of interaction.  How much is absolutely predictable?
b.    Observe yourself.  How do you feel?  What role do you fall into?  Can you see your attitude or reactions change?
c.    Don’t judge people or the experience you feel.  Simply make notes and let it be.
d.    If you stay objective you can choose your responses.  Don’t put pressure on yourself to perform but realize you are in control of yourself and yourself only.

2.     Love relentlessly. You may find yourself reaching out to one you love hoping for a deeper connection and are disappointed by the response.  Your natural reaction is to defend yourself by either lashing out or pulling away.  Love, however, respond differently.  Love steps into the disappointment and honestly engages, sharing its heart’s desire and the impact of the other’s hurtful behavior.  Love does not try to control outcomes but is clear about its hopes and expectations.  To love relentlessly may sound something like this for you:
a.    I really want to feel more connected to you.
b.    When you push me away I feel hurt, lonely…
c.    This is what I hope for from you….
d.    I’ve noticed how hard you are working and I want you to know how much I appreciate you.
e.    I was unkind to you yesterday and I am sorry.
f.    What can we do to work on this?

3.  Be kind to yourself. You will not be perfect and yes you may feel overwhelmed and inadequate.  It’s OK.  See yourself with compassion and forgive yourself.  Take some time to breath, reflect, and feel what you feel.  When you start to feel more in control of yourself you can relax a bit more.  Take time to allow Divine Love to comfort you and give you inner strength.  When you feel better you will be much more able to spread the love, hope, joy, and peace that the holiday season represents.

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