Executive Marriage Coach – The Eyes of an Angel

The Eyes of an Angel

I asked a couple that I have been coaching for a while to look deeply into the eyes of one another and tell me what they saw.  The husband looked at his wife for a moment and said “I see the eyes of an angel”.  What is remarkable is this is a couple who has worked through infidelity and some other tough issues and are now emotionally healthier and more connected than ever.  They are learning what it feels like to be in quadrant 4 of the Dynamic Marriage Map.

I have previously written about the Dynamic Marriage Map I created to help articulate the stages and dynamics of marriage and other intimate relationships.  Quadrant four of the Dynamic Marriage Map speaks to the possibilities and fulfillment of a marriage in which two people have worked through enough of their developmental issues to reach a higher level of maturity and have also nurtured a high level of connection.  This stage is characterized by interdependence, co-commitment to the wholeness of each other, high intimacy, and spiritual connection.  It is hard to consistently live at this level and it requires ongoing learning and growth.  Making the commitment of a lifetime journey opens up new depths of possibilities.

There are things you can do to strengthen your relationship muscles and move to quadrant four.  Some are individual work on your own growth, such as developing your understanding of your strengths, talents and needs, as well as your limitations.  You can also focus directly on building good feelings and intimacy between the two of you.

One practice my wife and I have done over the years to strengthen our relationship is to schedule get away weekends at least a couple of times a year.  These are weekends with no commitments other than to be with each other, typically at a nice hotel or bed and breakfast.  Our only agenda is quiet time and connection.

Some crucial elements for deeper connections are:
•    Take time strictly for each other.  Talk about your hopes and dreams for your lives together.  Leave the computer and smart phone off.
•     Look deeply into one another’s eyes.  That may sound corny but when is the last time you really looked at each other?  Seeing love and acceptance in the eyes of someone who knows you intimately is deeply healing and affirming.
•    Speak the words of affection that you feel.  Take the risk of being honest and transparent.
•    Listen intently to one another.  Also listen to the voice from within that softly affirms “this is where I belong”.

As always, for more information on the Dynamic Marriage Map or coaching, please contact me.  I’d love to guide you on your journey.

Executive Marriage Coach – Are you Open to Q4 Intimacy?

What is Q4 intimacy? Quadrant four of the Dynamic Marriage Map speaks to the possibilities and fulfillment of a marriage in which two people have worked through enough of their developmental issues to reach a higher level of maturity and have also nurtured a high level of connection. This stage is characterized by interdependence, co-commitment to the wholeness of each other, high intimacy, and spiritual connection. It is hard to consistently live at this level and it requires ongoing learning and growth. Making the commitment of a lifetime journey opens up new depths of possibilities.

One practice my wife and I have done over the years to strengthen our relationship is to schedule get away weekends at least a couple of times a year. These are weekends with no commitments other than to be with each other, typically at a nice hotel or bed and breakfast. Our only agenda is quiet time and connection.

This weekend was one of those retreats that pulled us into new heights. Lying together, seeing complete love and acceptance in one another’s eyes, heart to heart, soul to soul. Emotion swelled as I became aware of the young boy within me who has longed always to be fully known and loved, yet who learned to hide himself because of experiences of being hurt, misunderstood, and frightened. Joy filled my heart in the presence of vulnerability and love, and the little girl within her with her own fears stripped away in this moment. Now in reflection I simply feel gratitude.

These times of closeness can be wonderful and scary at the same time. I remember times in the past when weekends of intimacy were followed by an argument that restored a more comfortable distance. Quadrant four is characterized not by always being in ecstatic closeness, for that is unrealistic. Rather it is shown through the ability to enjoy the closeness and not push away, and to be equally comfortable knowing we also need our separateness and space at other times. These are hallmarks of growth. Take it from me, it is worth the journey.