Executive Marriage Coach – Online with Andrea

Had a great time talking with Andrea Garrison on her radio show today. Listen to the recording to understand the journey to deeper intimacy in your marriage and the path to your own recovery:

Executive Marriage Coach – Free Teleseminars

Please dial in for these two FREE teleseminars:

1. Four Keys to More Love and Fun in Marriage. April 14 @ 2pm ET. Dial 218-862-7200, 149906

2. Rescue Your Marriage – 4 Things You Need to Know Now. Apr 18 @ 8pm ET/5pm PT. http://ow.ly/4uigW

Executive Marriage Coach – I Thought My Marriage Was OK

“I thought my marriage was OK”. This was the lament of a young man who came in with his wife to see me for coaching. A couple of months ago his wife informed him that she has been unhappy in their marriage for about five years and now is thinking about leaving. How could they have such drastically different perspectives on their marriage?

The simple answer is really bad communication. In reality, things are never quite so simple. The problems in this relationship stem from multiple issues, including how they have dealt with past experiences, differences in how they think, how they are motivated, and how they deal with emotions. They also have not learned how to understand and meet one another’s basic needs.

I remember feeling lost and confused in my marriage at different points in time. It is not easy to work through tough times. However, the rewards of pushing through and hanging in there can be great. For example, my wife and I recently had a great visit with our daughter and her husband and our wonderful granddaughter. Seeing the next generation living healthy and happy lives is sweet indeed. These are the good times.

For the young couple in my office there is hope. They have finally started to confront their problems and really talk to each other. Even though telling the truth hurts, it is a necessary part of recovery. If you are in a hard place in your marriage right now please don’t give up before you do everything you can to work it out. Imagine yourself happily married for 40 years and reaping the rewards of enduring love. Hold unto that thought and make it happen.

Here are a few tips:
1. Decide to be happy and make marriage your priority
2. Share your honest thoughts and feelings with your partner. Not “you make my life miserable”, but “this is what is going on with me right now”.
3. Find out what is most important to your partner today. If you listen to the feedback openly you will hear the themes. What is the underlying need, fear, or pain that is being communicated?
4. Once you know what is most important, sincerely try to respect and meet the need or concern with love as consistently as possible.

Give not in order to receive but to become capable of giving more. Love generates love.

p.s. I have been working hard on ways to help you “re-imagine marriage”. Stay tuned.

Executive Marriage Coach – Something’s Got to Change

Many times couples get stuck in patterns that keep them from experiencing the quality of marriage or relationship they desire.  I recently had a conversation with a couple who are stuck in a spot that feels lonely and unsatisfying.  What they were unable viagra see at first was that they were each creating the problem by withholding from one another the very things that would set them free. The first step for them was acknowledging this fact and then exploring the real causes of their behavior.  From there they were able to begin imagining something different.

It is our reactions to pain, hurt, and anger that prompt us to withhold from one another.  Couples withhold love, understanding, sex, money, respect, etc. because they feel hurt, resentful, scared, or anything else that results in self-protection.  There may be legitimate reasons for protecting oneself but moving forward requires a willingness to take a chance.  We usually want the other person to change first but that only means it will never happen.  We must be willing to look in the mirror and change our own behaviors and attitudes and reach out to bridge the gap.

If you are feeling stuck in a withholding pattern, reflect on the following questions.  Answer them as honestly as you can and then take a step towards change:
•    What is the one thing you are withholding from your partner that would make the biggest change if you didn’t withhold it?
•    Can you imagine letting go of what you are withholding?  No?  Try again!
•    What do you need to be willing to take the risk?
•    How do you want your partner to feel about him or her self?  About you?  About your relationship?
•    How can you positively impact how your partner feels?

Relationships are a system and when one of you makes a positive change the other must adjust.  The first reaction you get may not be very encouraging and may reinforce what you fear because systems resist change.  You have to persist over time.  In the process it is also important to ask for what you need and want and your sincere willingness to change will encourage your partner to change as well.  Let love and honor for yourself and your partner be your guide.

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